In Which The Hand Slaps Eliot Spitzer and His Cronies

Yes, folks, The Hand has been folded for a long time, but now it's time to raise a glass, and a finger, to the man who's dominated the news today.

I'm drinking tonight. That's what you're supposed to do at a wake, right? I would like to propose a toast -- to the end of the political career of Governor Eliot Spitzer of New York.

Governor Eliot Spitzer has been a liar, a fraud, and an egomaniac from day one. (Remember "Day One?" The day on which everything was supposed to change? Yeah, about that.) He posed as a reformer, someone who was going to steamroll over the political corruption that has made this state shitty to live in. He did exactly the opposite. He was worse, far worse, than the political machine he said he was going to challenge.

Eliot Spitzer has only ever been after one thing: power. He got it, and he let it run away with him. He thought he could do whatever he wanted, that he was special, that the rules did not apply to him. He has been proven disastrously, spectacularly -- but entertainingly -- wrong.

I think it's great that his downfall came, not because of the many political scandals he helped cause, but because he couldn't keep his dick in his pants. That's gotta hurt. I love it.

The only downside to all this is, the next governor of New York State will be just as corrupt as the soon-to-be-former one. The entire political system of New York is broken. It is rotted through and through. We have the highest taxes in the country because our state politicians are in bed with special interests, to whom they've promised plenty of perks. Republicans, Democrats -- the only difference between them is WHICH group they've promised the spoils to. The state is bankrupt. Our Albany lawmakers are spending money like it's going out of style. The people who'd be employing us are fleeing the state in droves because they can't pay the taxes. And all of us New Yorkers are as fucked as that prostitute -- except prostitutes GET paid.

So within the next 24 hours it will be, "meet the new boss, same as the old boss." And that's unfortunate. What we need is someone totally new -- no, THREE totally new people. As long as we're getting rid of our governor, can we kick out the Assembly Speaker and the Senate Majority Leader too?

What we need is not a "steamroller," as Eliot Spitzer styled himself. What we need is a mother. A real, old-fashioned, strict, schoolmarm-type mother: one who's going to teach us all not to spend money we don't have. One who's going to teach us to play fair and mind our manners. One who's going to rap the bullies in Albany on the wrist with a ruler if they keep trying to stick their nose into our business.

Good riddance, Eliot. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, like the hooker did.