Did I Miss Anything?

WASHINGTON (HAND) - John Roberts was confirmed by the Senate and sworn in as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court today.

He immediately sprouted horns and a forked tail, removed a pitchfork from his briefcase, and consumed the entire U.S. Capitol in hellfire.

When asked what his first priority was as Chief Justice, Roberts said he would immediately work to dismantle the First Amendment, particularly its provisions for freedom of the pr