Bush Nominates the Snapple Lady for Supreme Court Justice

WASHINGTON (HAND) - President Bush today nominated the Snapple Lady for Supreme Court Justice, to replace Sandra Day O'Connor, who is retiring from the bench.

"I have no doubt the Snapple Lady will carry on the tradition of well-reasoned jurisprudence that has made the Supreme Court what it is today," Bush said.

Some legal experts noted that the Snapple Lady has never been a judge, a lawyer, or indeed connected with politics or government in any way.

When questioned about her qualifications, Bush said, "Yeah, I know, but I love those commercials. Everyone loves those commercials. I'm sure anyone involved with those commercials is plenty qualified to decide the important issues facing the nation today."

In its new term, the high court is set to examine an assisted-suicide law, an abortion statute concerning parental notification, and a ban on federal money to universities that restrict military recruiting on campus.

"But I have it on good authority she's not one of those 'activist judges,'" Bush said of the Snapple Lady. "And she's a Christian! At least, I think she is. She's a Christian, right?"

A spokesman for the Christian Right had no comment.

When asked if the Snapple Lady faced an uphill battle for confirmation, Sen. Charles Schumer (D-New York) said: "We will fight this heinous nominee with our last -- oh, fuck it, sure, we'll confirm her."