SOTU Edition: The Hand Counts On His Fingers

The 2006 State of the Union Address, By The Numbers

Length of Address:
68 minutes

Applause Breaks:
55

References to "Freedom":
91

References to "Liberty":
112

Syllables in "Liberty":
3 (one more than President Bush can comfortably pronounce)

References to "Tourists" Instead of "Terrorists":
83

Time Before First Reference to "September the 11th":
78 seconds

References to Hurricane Katrina:
0

Veiled "Fuck You's" to Congress:
54

Veiled "Fuck You's" to the New York Times:
12

Times Cheney Had to Be Prodded to Stay Awake:
4

Camera Shots of John McCain Scowling:
8

Shots of Hillary Clinton Looking Like, "Oh, WhatEVAR":
8

Number of Proposals Named "The American ___ Initiative":
352

Number of Those Proposals Which Will Actually Pass:
2

Number of Those Proposals Which Will Be Fully Funded:
0

Number of Proposals Targeted to States Where Republicans are Running for Re-Election This Year:
All of them

Number of Clumsy Catchphrases You Thought Were THE Theme of the Speech, But Then Realized They Weren't:
1,228

Actual Theme of the Speech (never mentioned):
"Things Will Be Hunky-Dory Any Day Now"

Viewers Watching at the Beginning of the Address:
26

Viewers Watching at the End, Not Counting Bloggers Such As The Hand:
0


Special Message: The Hand wishes to apologize for the long delay between posts. The economy has been hard on us all, and our friends in snark-producing states are no exception. As with oil and natural gas, the price of snark has risen to record levels this year. But The Hand is doing its part to conserve, as we all should, and our advisors tell us that snark prices should drop just as New York's gubernatorial "race" is beginning in earnest later this year. Thank you for your patience.