In Which The Hand Slaps Eliot Spitzer and His Cronies

Yes, folks, The Hand has been folded for a long time, but now it's time to raise a glass, and a finger, to the man who's dominated the news today.

I'm drinking tonight. That's what you're supposed to do at a wake, right? I would like to propose a toast -- to the end of the political career of Governor Eliot Spitzer of New York.

Governor Eliot Spitzer has been a liar, a fraud, and an egomaniac from day one. (Remember "Day One?" The day on which everything was supposed to change? Yeah, about that.) He posed as a reformer, someone who was going to steamroll over the political corruption that has made this state shitty to live in. He did exactly the opposite. He was worse, far worse, than the political machine he said he was going to challenge.

Eliot Spitzer has only ever been after one thing: power. He got it, and he let it run away with him. He thought he could do whatever he wanted, that he was special, that the rules did not apply to him. He has been proven disastrously, spectacularly -- but entertainingly -- wrong.

I think it's great that his downfall came, not because of the many political scandals he helped cause, but because he couldn't keep his dick in his pants. That's gotta hurt. I love it.

The only downside to all this is, the next governor of New York State will be just as corrupt as the soon-to-be-former one. The entire political system of New York is broken. It is rotted through and through. We have the highest taxes in the country because our state politicians are in bed with special interests, to whom they've promised plenty of perks. Republicans, Democrats -- the only difference between them is WHICH group they've promised the spoils to. The state is bankrupt. Our Albany lawmakers are spending money like it's going out of style. The people who'd be employing us are fleeing the state in droves because they can't pay the taxes. And all of us New Yorkers are as fucked as that prostitute -- except prostitutes GET paid.

So within the next 24 hours it will be, "meet the new boss, same as the old boss." And that's unfortunate. What we need is someone totally new -- no, THREE totally new people. As long as we're getting rid of our governor, can we kick out the Assembly Speaker and the Senate Majority Leader too?

What we need is not a "steamroller," as Eliot Spitzer styled himself. What we need is a mother. A real, old-fashioned, strict, schoolmarm-type mother: one who's going to teach us all not to spend money we don't have. One who's going to teach us to play fair and mind our manners. One who's going to rap the bullies in Albany on the wrist with a ruler if they keep trying to stick their nose into our business.

Good riddance, Eliot. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, like the hooker did.

News Flash

BUSH JUST ADMITTED MISTAKES WERE MADE IN IRAQ.

No kidding. He said: "Of all the mistakes that were made in Iraq, the worst mistake would be ..."

THAT MEANS WE MADE SOME. HOLY SHIT. *dies*

SOTU Edition: The Hand Counts On His Fingers

The 2006 State of the Union Address, By The Numbers

Length of Address:
68 minutes

Applause Breaks:
55

References to "Freedom":
91

References to "Liberty":
112

Syllables in "Liberty":
3 (one more than President Bush can comfortably pronounce)

References to "Tourists" Instead of "Terrorists":
83

Time Before First Reference to "September the 11th":
78 seconds

References to Hurricane Katrina:
0

Veiled "Fuck You's" to Congress:
54

Veiled "Fuck You's" to the New York Times:
12

Times Cheney Had to Be Prodded to Stay Awake:
4

Camera Shots of John McCain Scowling:
8

Shots of Hillary Clinton Looking Like, "Oh, WhatEVAR":
8

Number of Proposals Named "The American ___ Initiative":
352

Number of Those Proposals Which Will Actually Pass:
2

Number of Those Proposals Which Will Be Fully Funded:
0

Number of Proposals Targeted to States Where Republicans are Running for Re-Election This Year:
All of them

Number of Clumsy Catchphrases You Thought Were THE Theme of the Speech, But Then Realized They Weren't:
1,228

Actual Theme of the Speech (never mentioned):
"Things Will Be Hunky-Dory Any Day Now"

Viewers Watching at the Beginning of the Address:
26

Viewers Watching at the End, Not Counting Bloggers Such As The Hand:
0


Special Message: The Hand wishes to apologize for the long delay between posts. The economy has been hard on us all, and our friends in snark-producing states are no exception. As with oil and natural gas, the price of snark has risen to record levels this year. But The Hand is doing its part to conserve, as we all should, and our advisors tell us that snark prices should drop just as New York's gubernatorial "race" is beginning in earnest later this year. Thank you for your patience.

People magazine has named Matthew McConaughey the "Sexiest Man Alive" for 2005.

In related news: every other man on the planet died today. *dies*

A Helping Hand for Confused NYC Voters

Today, more or less, is Election Day. If you're in New York City, that means you will get to choose your next mayor, among other things. Here's a helpful Voters Guide:

Michael Bloomberg (R), also known as Mike Bloomberg or, in the New York Times, Michael R. Bloomberg, will be your next mayor. He is extremely rich. He is also bland and colorless, which we seem to like in our mayors these days, because his opponent is too. His hobbies are dialing 311 for the hell of it and telling people not to smoke. For awhile he was very concerned about building a stadium on the West Side of Manhattan, and recently he noticed the gaping hole in Lower Manhattan. He does not, however, have any plans to build a stadium on the site of the former World Trade Center. Bloomberg is currently leading in the polls by about 75,000 percent.

Fernando Ferrer (D), also known as Freddy Ferrer, will not be your next mayor. He has run for mayor several times, each more disastrously than the last. If elected, Ferrer promises to ... to ... to be mayor. Or something. Or nothing. I'm not really sure. Anyway, he wants to be mayor very badly and thinks you should elect him. But he has made so many missteps in his campaign, some wonder whether he's actually trying to lose. Must be some reverse-psychology thing at work. Ferrer is trailing badly in the polls, but he's fond of saying the polls could be wrong. Of course they could. He might only lose by 65,000 percent.

There are several minor-party candidates as well. Thomas Ognibene (C) is fond of saying that, unlike Mayor Bloomberg, he is a real Republican. But he was unable to convince his fellow Republicans of that. Jimmy McMillan is running with the backing of the so-called Rent Is Too Damn High party. The party consists of him. If defeated, as seems likely, McMillan plans to run again in four years on the Latte Is Four Bucks, What The Hell Is Up With That line.

There are also several voter initiatives on the ballot. Proposition 1 allows the state Legislature to spend whatever money it wants without any poopyheads saying it can't. Governor Pataki is against Proposition 1 because he wants to spend whatever money he wants. Proposition 2 would borrow lots of money in order to finance lots of transportation projects. This will give the Metropolitan Transportation Authority many more subway, bus and commuter rail lines on which to raise fares.

So remember, New Yorkers -- get out and vote Tuesday. You'll be in very select company.

George and Harriet: A Black Comedy

President Bush "reluctantly" accepted Harriet Miers' withdrawal of her Supreme Court nomination ...)

Lights up on George at his desk. Harriet is standing in front of it, her head lowered.

HARRIET: I'm sorry, George.

GEORGE: But why, Harriet?

HARRIET: You know you should have never nominated me in the first place.

GEORGE: Now, don't say that, Harriet --

HARRIET: But it's true. I've never been a judge.

GEORGE: That's right, Harriet. You're not like all the others. You're not like those "activist judges" --

HARRIET: Please, George, this is hard enough for me.

GEORGE: But after all we've been through -- all those times we've had -- to just leave me like this?

HARRIET: George, it's not about you and me. It's about the country. I don't want to sit on the Supreme Court.

GEORGE: But all those games we played -- you know how much I love you in that black robe --

HARRIET: George, how many times do I have to tell you it's OVER?

GEORGE: Oh, Harriet, I love to hear you argue.

HARRIET: Stop it, George.

GEORGE: Come on, Harriet, tell me I'm guilty! Tell the bailiff to take me away!

HARRIET: The Supreme Court isn't that kind of court, you ignoramus.

GEORGE: Yeah! Use the big words again!

HARRIET: I'm leaving, George.

She turns to go. He leaps over the desk and blocks her way.

GEORGE: You're not going anywhere, Harriet.

HARRIET: George, get out of my way.

GEORGE: I know your heart, Harriet! I know you really want me!

He grabs her wrist.

HARRIET: No, George!

GEORGE: Yes, Harriet! If the Supreme Court can't have you, NOBODY CAN!

She screams. Lights black out. There is a shot. Silence. In the darkness, we hear George's voice.

GEORGE: Karl?

Upstage, we see Karl being led away by two police officers. Karl's lawyer is with them.

KARL: (a flat, dead voice) I didn't leak anything. I didn't leak anything.

LAWYER: (to Karl) For God's sake, shut up! How many times do I have to tell you ...

GEORGE: Karl? Karl?

Blackout.

Taking the Long View

After reading this article ... well, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Sure, most people say he's unsuccessful now, but history may judge him differently. Look at Richard Nixon."

Yes, let's look at Richard Nixon. Actually, let's look away from Richard Nixon, because that's just too scary to contemplate. Nixon is one of the scariest presidents we've had. Paranoid, power-hungry, struggling to extricate us from a nasty war, conservative, cranky, played hardball against his enemies ... what was that about Bush again?

"Yes," you may say, "but Nixon went to China!" And Bush can't even find China on a map.

But perhaps we shouldn't judge Bush on his failures. We should judge him on his successes. Conservative media outlets are quick to point out plenty of those. For one thing, he got the Taliban out of Afghanistan, except for the ones who are still killing American troops, but there's far fewer Taliban now, so it's all good unless one of those troops is your child. And Bush got Moammar Khadafy to say he'll never never never build nuclear weapons, cross his heart and hope to die, and we trust him because he really, really meant it this time. (As Bush might say, "I know his heart.")

And, of course, he got Saddam Hussein out of Iraq. And everything's gonna be hunky-dory there anytime now.

But why judge Bush too harshly? After all, he's only human. Who among us has not completely fucked up the country at one time or another? Like the bible says, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." So Bush cast that motherfucker.