A Helping Hand for Confused NYC Voters

Today, more or less, is Election Day. If you're in New York City, that means you will get to choose your next mayor, among other things. Here's a helpful Voters Guide:

Michael Bloomberg (R), also known as Mike Bloomberg or, in the New York Times, Michael R. Bloomberg, will be your next mayor. He is extremely rich. He is also bland and colorless, which we seem to like in our mayors these days, because his opponent is too. His hobbies are dialing 311 for the hell of it and telling people not to smoke. For awhile he was very concerned about building a stadium on the West Side of Manhattan, and recently he noticed the gaping hole in Lower Manhattan. He does not, however, have any plans to build a stadium on the site of the former World Trade Center. Bloomberg is currently leading in the polls by about 75,000 percent.

Fernando Ferrer (D), also known as Freddy Ferrer, will not be your next mayor. He has run for mayor several times, each more disastrously than the last. If elected, Ferrer promises to ... to ... to be mayor. Or something. Or nothing. I'm not really sure. Anyway, he wants to be mayor very badly and thinks you should elect him. But he has made so many missteps in his campaign, some wonder whether he's actually trying to lose. Must be some reverse-psychology thing at work. Ferrer is trailing badly in the polls, but he's fond of saying the polls could be wrong. Of course they could. He might only lose by 65,000 percent.

There are several minor-party candidates as well. Thomas Ognibene (C) is fond of saying that, unlike Mayor Bloomberg, he is a real Republican. But he was unable to convince his fellow Republicans of that. Jimmy McMillan is running with the backing of the so-called Rent Is Too Damn High party. The party consists of him. If defeated, as seems likely, McMillan plans to run again in four years on the Latte Is Four Bucks, What The Hell Is Up With That line.

There are also several voter initiatives on the ballot. Proposition 1 allows the state Legislature to spend whatever money it wants without any poopyheads saying it can't. Governor Pataki is against Proposition 1 because he wants to spend whatever money he wants. Proposition 2 would borrow lots of money in order to finance lots of transportation projects. This will give the Metropolitan Transportation Authority many more subway, bus and commuter rail lines on which to raise fares.

So remember, New Yorkers -- get out and vote Tuesday. You'll be in very select company.