George and Harriet: A Black Comedy

President Bush "reluctantly" accepted Harriet Miers' withdrawal of her Supreme Court nomination ...)

Lights up on George at his desk. Harriet is standing in front of it, her head lowered.

HARRIET: I'm sorry, George.

GEORGE: But why, Harriet?

HARRIET: You know you should have never nominated me in the first place.

GEORGE: Now, don't say that, Harriet --

HARRIET: But it's true. I've never been a judge.

GEORGE: That's right, Harriet. You're not like all the others. You're not like those "activist judges" --

HARRIET: Please, George, this is hard enough for me.

GEORGE: But after all we've been through -- all those times we've had -- to just leave me like this?

HARRIET: George, it's not about you and me. It's about the country. I don't want to sit on the Supreme Court.

GEORGE: But all those games we played -- you know how much I love you in that black robe --

HARRIET: George, how many times do I have to tell you it's OVER?

GEORGE: Oh, Harriet, I love to hear you argue.

HARRIET: Stop it, George.

GEORGE: Come on, Harriet, tell me I'm guilty! Tell the bailiff to take me away!

HARRIET: The Supreme Court isn't that kind of court, you ignoramus.

GEORGE: Yeah! Use the big words again!

HARRIET: I'm leaving, George.

She turns to go. He leaps over the desk and blocks her way.

GEORGE: You're not going anywhere, Harriet.

HARRIET: George, get out of my way.

GEORGE: I know your heart, Harriet! I know you really want me!

He grabs her wrist.

HARRIET: No, George!

GEORGE: Yes, Harriet! If the Supreme Court can't have you, NOBODY CAN!

She screams. Lights black out. There is a shot. Silence. In the darkness, we hear George's voice.

GEORGE: Karl?

Upstage, we see Karl being led away by two police officers. Karl's lawyer is with them.

KARL: (a flat, dead voice) I didn't leak anything. I didn't leak anything.

LAWYER: (to Karl) For God's sake, shut up! How many times do I have to tell you ...

GEORGE: Karl? Karl?

Blackout.

Taking the Long View

After reading this article ... well, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Sure, most people say he's unsuccessful now, but history may judge him differently. Look at Richard Nixon."

Yes, let's look at Richard Nixon. Actually, let's look away from Richard Nixon, because that's just too scary to contemplate. Nixon is one of the scariest presidents we've had. Paranoid, power-hungry, struggling to extricate us from a nasty war, conservative, cranky, played hardball against his enemies ... what was that about Bush again?

"Yes," you may say, "but Nixon went to China!" And Bush can't even find China on a map.

But perhaps we shouldn't judge Bush on his failures. We should judge him on his successes. Conservative media outlets are quick to point out plenty of those. For one thing, he got the Taliban out of Afghanistan, except for the ones who are still killing American troops, but there's far fewer Taliban now, so it's all good unless one of those troops is your child. And Bush got Moammar Khadafy to say he'll never never never build nuclear weapons, cross his heart and hope to die, and we trust him because he really, really meant it this time. (As Bush might say, "I know his heart.")

And, of course, he got Saddam Hussein out of Iraq. And everything's gonna be hunky-dory there anytime now.

But why judge Bush too harshly? After all, he's only human. Who among us has not completely fucked up the country at one time or another? Like the bible says, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." So Bush cast that motherfucker.

Personnel Issues

Upset over the nomination of Harriet Miers? Furious that Michael Brown got the job? Worried Bush can't pick a member of the U.S. government to save his life?

Well, if it's any consolation to you, he's not so hot at picking members of foreign governments either.

"Sure, let's hire that guy. He looks trustworthy. We know his heart. Hey, anyone seen that $1 billion we left lying around?"

The Hand Gets Serious

I have nothing funny to say about this.

It must not happen.

Pass it on.

Bush Nominates the Snapple Lady for Supreme Court Justice

WASHINGTON (HAND) - President Bush today nominated the Snapple Lady for Supreme Court Justice, to replace Sandra Day O'Connor, who is retiring from the bench.

"I have no doubt the Snapple Lady will carry on the tradition of well-reasoned jurisprudence that has made the Supreme Court what it is today," Bush said.

Some legal experts noted that the Snapple Lady has never been a judge, a lawyer, or indeed connected with politics or government in any way.

When questioned about her qualifications, Bush said, "Yeah, I know, but I love those commercials. Everyone loves those commercials. I'm sure anyone involved with those commercials is plenty qualified to decide the important issues facing the nation today."

In its new term, the high court is set to examine an assisted-suicide law, an abortion statute concerning parental notification, and a ban on federal money to universities that restrict military recruiting on campus.

"But I have it on good authority she's not one of those 'activist judges,'" Bush said of the Snapple Lady. "And she's a Christian! At least, I think she is. She's a Christian, right?"

A spokesman for the Christian Right had no comment.

When asked if the Snapple Lady faced an uphill battle for confirmation, Sen. Charles Schumer (D-New York) said: "We will fight this heinous nominee with our last -- oh, fuck it, sure, we'll confirm her."