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Bush Resigns, Says "This Just Ain't Fun Anymore"

Advises Residents to "Panic and Flee" as Rita Bears Down

WASHINGTON (HAND) - George W. Bush resigned the presidency of the United States today, saying that with a massive cleanup effort in New Orleans, and the prospect of another hurricane bearing down on his beloved Texas, "this job just ain't fun anymore."

"It was fun a couple years ago," said the president in a prime-time address from the Oval Office. "You know, we got to send Marines to blow shit up. But these days it's just one damn hurricane after another."

With Hurricane Rita expected to hit the Gulf of Mexico as a Category 4 storm later this week, Bush grew emotional as he touched on the religious faith that has been a keystone of his presidency.

"It's obvious Our Lord and Savior is trying to tell me something," Bush said. "His wrath is nigh, and I'm advising residents along the Gulf Coast to flee the coming cataclysm."

Bush appeared distraught during the address, which was broadcast on all major news networks, Country Music Television, and TBN.

Bush was dressed in his customary dark suit, clutching a rosary in one hand and what appeared to be a faded blue blanket in the other.

"The voices in my head tell me it's time to run, run fast, don't let them find me," he said. "Embrace the coming Rapture."

Bush's resignation takes effect at 9 o'clock tomorrow morning, a White House spokesman said. But it was unclear when Vice President Dick Cheney would take the Oath of Office, since there is currently no Chief Justice of the Supreme Court to administer it.

When asked about the dilemma, Cheney stirred and mumbled, "Huh?" before rolling over and going back to sleep.