Just Throw Money At It

NEW ORLEANS (HAND) - The federal government's plan to plug New Orleans' breached levees with money is proceeding well, officials say.

Crews have been stuffing dollar bills into the gaping holes since Monday. Officials say while 40 percent of New Orleans remains underwater, that number is expected to decrease "once Congress comes through with the rest of the $200 billion."

Some fiscal conservatives are expressing alarm at the prospect of using such massive federal outlays as, virtually, spackle. One Heritage Foundation source, who asked not to be named, said: "What about old newspapers, huh?"

New Orleans officials immediately blasted such naysayers as "heartless Republican shitheads," and said, "Hellooo, major disaster here. Fuck the deficit. Fork over the cash, bitches."

President Bush has ruled out raising taxes as a way to pay for the infusion of levee-plugging cash. The president says he does not think the cost of rebuilding New Orleans, conservatively estimated at $200 billion, will affect the deficit, "at least not till I'm outta here." But he admits, "I never was much good at math."