You Never Know

WASHINGTON (HAND) - Today the federal government announced its two-pronged plan to boost revenue for Amtrak and, simultaneously, to cut down on inconvenience for airline passengers: driving two major airlines into bankruptcy.

"We believe that the bankruptcy of Delta and Northwest will have a very positive effect," said Transportation Secretary Norman Mineta. "Not only will it virtually eliminate all security-related delays for passengers of both airlines, it will also be a windfall for our nation's passenger rail system, which has been running at a substantial loss."

Air travelers The Hand spoke with said: "That probably is why they folded. Bastards."